The Most Personal Words I’ve Ever Shared

If you’ve met me in person, you probably know I’m a big fan of Kings Kaleidoscope, a Christian band producing intricate music with thoughtful lyrics and a unique blend of indie rock, hip-hop, and orchestral sounds. I found their music in 2020, right after my husband left our family, and it became my soundtrack, playing through these years of grief, doubt, and struggling with faith.

Sometimes my faith has looked like a bold proclamation on a Sunday morning: “He is risen indeed!” But often it has been a whispered prayer through sobs in the night: “I believe, help my unbelief”

I have found that great heartache requires great music. Lyrics that are honest, yet hopeful. The psalms are a prime example of this, acknowledging the pain we experience and our questions about where God is and what He’s doing, while declaring confident hope that He will keep his promises because He loves us.

Both the psalms and Kings Kaleidoscope have given me words of truth and hope to cling to in the midst of complicated feelings. With grief, memories, and questions swirling endlessly in my mind, I’ve needed constant reminders of what is true when my feelings would have me believe the lie that God is distant and uncaring. Though I try to push it away, over and over the question keeps coming into my subconscious, “Will you leave me too?” And I need to hear again, “God has said, ‘I will never leave you; I will never abandon you.’” (Hebrews 13:5)

The band seems to have written a song for every feeling I’ve experienced – doubt, pain, anger, anxiety, apathy, loneliness, confusion, hopefulness…. I can’t tell you how many times I have shouted these songs with the volume turned up to the max to drown out the pain and lies and make it through the day. Songs like these played on repeat, giving me hope on the worst days:

(Redemption in Motion)

You’re with me always, I won’t be afraid
You died and rose and set the world ablaze
Amazing grace, Redemption in motion
And I will see You when I fly away
To the gates of heaven, where I’ll see Your face

(Defender)

Christ’s precious truth delivers me
From lies that wage a war in me
Your victory is mine for all my days
I will not be afraid
For my hope is in His name
Who is a rock but our God?
Whose blood has sealed our freedom?
Jesus, our Savior, Defender, Redeemer

(Dust)

Don’t let me fall apart
Be near my wandering heart
Hold me closely through this race
Help me embrace Your pace

These lyrics from the song ‘Trackless Sea’ capture the tension I’ve felt between what I feel and what I believe:

“I’m tired of doubt and feeling incomplete.

Still, this hope I hold is my reality.”

I feel far from settled, the questions are relentless. In fact, out of the past six years, this year has been the most tumultuous for my faith. But I still believe reality is not dictated by my feelings. And I am trusting that God’s goodness is so much more than my current, limited view allows me to understand. “For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)

I titled this piece ‘Breaking & Becoming’ which is taken from the lyrics of the song ‘About to Break’ from the album Zeal. I’m often frustrated with my own brokenness and my inability to just be fine. I’ve wondered if God is frustrated with me too. Yet, once again, my feelings betray me… After all, isn’t that the very reason Jesus came? Stepping into our humanity, brokenness, and pain, didn’t Jesus give his body to be broken for me because he knew I couldn’t fix myself? (Maybe the mess of me only grips at your heart)

———

All my running your redemption retraced
At your cross held my exhausted embrace
Now I wander in your glorious maze
Lost in grace, lost in grace

(Lost)

None of this is wasted
Still becoming who we are
We belong to hope now
Heaven isn’t all that far

(Safe Retreat)

I’ll always be grateful for Kings Kaleidoscope and the work they’ve done to write music that God has used to strengthen my faith. (And I can’t wait for the next album!)

So why did I create this piece? Honestly, just because I wanted to. I typically consider whether my designs will resonate with others, with the goal of the art being purchased. In this case, maybe you can’t relate to the artwork itself, but perhaps you relate to the story behind it. I really enjoyed challenging myself with this design. I had never created a portrait before, so I was eager to give it a try. The print was made using the reduction method, where each layer is printed and then more carving is done on the same block before the next layer is printed in a new color.

The print features Chad Gardner, the band’s lead singer, songwriter, and producer. While designing the piece, I drew inspiration from several Kings Kaleidoscope albums and their cover artwork. Those who are familiar with the band will recognize the lace pattern in the mirrored Ks, the background design, and the jacket. This was an experimental piece so there are 3 versions of this print in very limited numbers. One with no background, one with a blue background and one with a rainbow background.

I know most of my readers are likely unfamiliar with Kings Kaleidoscope. So I’ve also created some monoprints for those of you who can relate to my story and have experienced similar journeys in your faith. These pieces were also inspired by Kings Kaleidoscope, but from more familiar lyrics. The band recently released an arrangement of “Amazing Grace” that added an emphasis on our faith turning to sight with the words “Believe! Believe! I see! I see!” being repeated throughout the hymn.

These pieces were individually printed using gel plates, acrylic paint, and unique textures for the colored background. A hand carved stamp was then used to print the words in black ink over the background.

Thanks for reading!

Emily